Cancer sucks. Fuck Cancer. Cancer is shit.
None of that can be overstated, ever. Every October, as a layer of pink descends upon us, we are reminded that we are still in a fight with this dickhead cancer. Breast Cancer Awareness Month does wonders to support women with the most common type of cancer though a ubiquitous marketing campaign. People are eager to stand together, linking arms and throwing a mighty, simultaneous middle finger in the sweaty, sniveling face of Breast Cancer.
(Photo from Certicare)
It’s important to remember, though, that Breast Cancer is not a lone villain in that haunted mansion on the top of the hill, plotting the demise of human kind. To the contrary, Breast Cancer has a whole fleet of piece-of-shit other types of cancer sitting up there with him, doing whatever they can to fuck with us. Not to mention the other evil overlords like stroke and heart disease. Luckily, we’re humans and fully equipped to whoop these scumbags till kingdom come.
The first step is to shine a spotlight on these cancers like the little rats that they are. With our middle fingers combined, we might be able to do enough to “fuck-you” not only breast cancer out of existence, but the whole legion of these pussies.
So without further ado, here are some of the miscreants that breast cancer has been rolling with, trying to mess with us upstanding civilians, especially women. Remember, be vigilant of these jerks; they’re sneaky but we’re strong.
1. Lung Cancer (Photo from the Broad Institute)
Do you believe this son of a bitch? This Cancer links up with an equally evil ally, Big Tobacco, to try to mess with our air, our breathing. It is the second most common type of cancer in women, and the most deadly across the board. So lets get nice and aware of this sleazeball. It is most likely to hit between the ages of 55 and 65, so prepare to stave off this guileful monster well before those ages.
2. Colon and Rectal Cancer (Photo from Stanford Medicine)
This asshole. Of all of the cancers, none is more full of shit than colon and rectal cancer. First of all, what depraved, dirty little mongrel would want to make their living up people’s butts? Colon and rectal cancer thats fucking who. He chooses to spend all of his time amongst shit, so that should tell you pretty much all you need to know about this stink bucket. This starts as small polyps and can grow into cancer, so getting screened is key. It might be uncomfortable having someone digging around in your asshole, but think of how cathartic it will feel to know that this asshole isn’t in your asshole anymore.
3. Ovarian Cancer (Photo from Wikipedia)
Ovarian cancer is the undoubted pervert of cancers affecting women. You can catch this pock-marked grease ball hanging out by the exits of high school gyms sporting a mustache and offering everyone cigarettes. No one wants your cigarettes you fucking creep! And what’s worse is it’s attacking people around the median age of 63. That’s just about grandmom age you motherfucker! Luckily it’s a more treatable cancer, so vigilance is the way gumshoes.
4. Pancreatic Cancer (Photo from fredhutch.org)
What a sneak pancreatic cancer is. Ole stealing-thing-you-didn’t-know-you-had ass dude. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t find my pancreas with a GPS and I am damn sure I don’t know what it does. Sure I could go look it up, but that defeats the point that pancreatic cancer is a fucking WEIRDO. Going to some part of the body we don’t even know exists? Dafuq? Not to make stuff up, but I’m pretty sure pancreatic cancer has a treasure trove of child porn in it’s musty basement. It is one of the most deadly for both men and women, but even kids are getting in on the fight against this evil bastard.
5. Non-Hodgkins Lymphona (Photo from American Journal of Clinical Pathology)
Cab you say douchebag? The undeniable snob of the cancer crew, you can catch this dullard drowning in cheap cologne and making shitty jokes with a mouth full of food. What’s worse is he is the 6th most common among women and 7th most deadly cancer overall. So, uh, can we just get aware of this guy already so we can eradicate him from the face of the earth? Thanks.
6. Uterine Cancer (Photo from New York Medical Journal)
This psychopath has the nerve to mess with our baby carrying vessels. KILL HIM! Uterine cancer isn’t necessarily the most deadly, but neither are cockroaches, and what are we just supposed to move in with them? Are you suggesting we all move in with cockroaches? Are you? Ok then. It is the 4th most common among women, and it can often be weight related, so get out those shake weights ladies and lets lick this deranged lunatic.
7. Thyroid Cancer (image from Popular Science)
This fraud is a predatory coward. No more no less. It is the 4th most common cancer among women, and it appears in women over men at an astounding 3:1 clip. Hey fuckhead, why don’t you stop picking on women so much, you swine? Thyroid cancer, which stems from nodules most of us have in our throats in a benign state, is treatable in 97% of the cases. So we just gotta find the jerk. Fucking cancer.
Article by Adam Ferrone